Fight Club. Honest.

Been away for a bit, as it was exam season/lots of work/travelling/lack of money for VS. System stock. Now I’m back, with a random aside stemming from my Ars Magica roleplay group. Whilst discussing some movies, I mentioned that I hadn’t seen Fight Club, but had seen enough clips, and heard enough from people that I could piece together the plot.

So, here’s my attempt to have a semi-coherent script for Fight Club:

Fight Club: A Movie Starring, and Possibly Written, Produced and Directed by Brad Pitt.

ACT 1: A Suburban Home, With One Of Those Odd Kitchens Where The Floor Level is Lower Than The Rest of The House.

-> It’s morning, and a man in a generic shirt and tie walks in on his wife in the kitchen.

Bruce Banner: Hi honey, did you sleep well? I can’t stay for long, I’m late for work after our perfect marital sex overran by exactly 17 minutes and 27 seconds.

Corpse Bride: That’s okay perfect husband. How’s your head, I know you’ve had trouble sleeping lately, which I’ve heard can really effect your ability to sell cars at your incredibly frustrating job.

Bruce Banner: I’ll be okay, just so long as silly customers and arrogant workmates DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY I should be fine, and not suffer any sort of mental illness whatsoever. Or random monster-transformations.

Bruce drives to work, and gets into a stressful situation in a traffic jam, causing him to reach for a prescription capsule in the glove compartment, where there’s also a gun/knife/knuckle-duster.

Bruce Banner: Damn it, I’ve run out of my pills for my headaches and sleeping problems. This might be a problem in the forseeable future. TO THE DOCTOR’S SURGERY!

ACT 2: The Doctor’s Surgery

As Bruce walks in, he starts looking at the various sick people, and tries to keep away from them. He eventually gets to his doctor.

Doctor Strange: I’m sorry Bruce, due to budget cuts from our incredibly stressful government, I can’t prescribe you any of your medicine. I sure hope this won’t cause you to go crazy or anything.

Bruce Banner: I’m sure it’ll be absolutely fine Doc, don’t worry about it.

Cue a montage of his day at work being incredibly bad, including spilt coffee down his shirt, being hit by a car in the car lot, and being told he’s getting a paycut.

Bruce Banner: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Bruce ends up in a generic seedy-looking bar. Brad Pitt sits down next to him.

Brad Pitt: Wellitlookslikeyou’rehavingabaddaytherebuddy. CanIbuyyouadrinklike?

Bruce Banner: Sure, whatever. Get me the moddiest drink in the bar.

Brad Pitt: Itellyouwhat, Iknowagreatwaytorelievestress. Finishyourdrinklikeandfollowme.

Bruce finishes his Bailey’s, and follows Brad Pitt down a dark alley, to a clangy metal door. Brad Pitt knocks on the door to the tune of a nursery rhyme. It’s opened by a gruff man, and Bard & Bruce enter an abandoned store-room with a judo mat on the floor.

Brad Pitt: ThisistheFightClublike. There’stwentysevenandahalfrulesforFightClub, thefirstisthatyoudon’ttalkaboutFightClub. Becauseofrulenumberone, nobodyknowswhattheothersixteenandahalfrules are. Sowealljustquotethefirstrule,andhopeitcatchesonwithcultsocietylike.

Brad Pitt then challenges a random guy from the assorted crowd to a fight. It happens to be loveable rocker Meatloaf.

Meatloaf: I’m gonna pound you like a bat out of hell Brad!

Brad Pitt: Bringit.

Brad performs a Hadoken, and sends Meatloaf through a wall. There’s a stunned silence as Brad walks over to Meatloaf. He then grab’s Meatloaf’s hand, picks him up, and everyone cheers.


Bruce begins fighting regularly at the club, and arriving home late, to the frustration of his wife. Eventually, Brad takes Bruce aside for a private chat.

Brad Pitt: NowBrucemyfriend, we’vegotaspecialprojectgoingon, butweneedsomefunds. Iwantyoutohelpmeraisesomefunds, forthisspecialprojectIcan’ttellyouaboutjustyet.

Brad takes Bruce outside a factory.

Brad Pitt: Nowthen, we’regoingtomakesoaplike, butwe’lldoitonthecheap. Now, grabtheserandomsacksofhumanfatfromthedumpster, andwe’llgobacktoyours.

Cue Brad and Bruce making human-fat soap in Bruce’s bath-tub whilst his wife is out. She returns to find approximately one million bars of soap in her house, and starts arguing with Bruce.

Brad Pitt: Nowthen, Bruce, letmehandlethislike, IthinkIcansettlethingsout, andexplainwhat’sgoingontoyourwife, youjustgooutsideandcooldownabitlike.

Bruce goes outside and into his car. Brad comes out a few minutes later, and dumps the soap in the back of the car. They then drive to Fight Club, where they give the soap to a gruff man, who then proceeds to sell human-fat soap at wherever it is you can actually sell human-fat soap.

Bruce Banner: So, what do we do with the money? We going to party it up, or put up some drapes in the Fight Club?

Brad Pitt: Now, that’sjustsillymate. We’regoingtoblowupaloadofbuildingwithbombs. Allpaidforwiththesoapyoumade, and completelytraceablebacktoyourhouse. Let’sgo.

ACT 4: Skyscraper Building Car-Park

Bruce Banner: I don’t know if I want to do this. Isn’t blowing up buildings a bad thing? Plus, I don’t want to get my perfect wife involved.

Brad Pitt: Nowthen, don’tworryaboutthat. Ikilledherwhilstyouwereinthecar, soshecan’tpossiblybeaproblem.

Bruce Banner: Noooooooooooooo!

Bruce then turns into the Incredible Hulk, and has a fight with Brad Pitt. The view switches to the security camera in the car-park, and it shows Bruce fighting with himself. Brad Pitt wins the fight, and leaves Bruce in the car-park, proceeding to blow up the building.

ACT 5: Epilogue

A series of flashbacks reveal that Brad Pitt was in fact not real, and was an extension of Bruce Banner’s personality, brought about by his lack of medication. As he became more stressed, ‘Brad’ became more violent in his stress relief, resulting in Bruce killing his perfect wife, and being the one who sets up the blowing-up of the buildings.

The film then ends on this ‘cliffhanger’, with some cheesy rock music.


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